I used to think being accepted meant saying yes all the time. But I didn’t think about why I wanted to be “accepted”. I wrongly assumed that my value was tied to how agreeable I was. Saying yes felt safe because it earned me approval and made it easier socially. The problem was, those yeses were paid for with my time, my energy, and slowly, my self worth.

When you are always agreeable, people learn to expect that from you. You become the person who bends and disappears into the wants and needs of others. And the more you do it, the more you disconnect from yourself. You send a subtle message that your needs come second to everyone else’s, and over time can erode your self worth.

People pleasers find it hard to say no because our brains are wired for safety. There is real biology behind this. Saying yes can trigger dopamine, your brain’s reward signal, because external approval lights you up. While even the thought of saying no can activate the amygdala, the brain’s alarm system for threat and fear. This is why refusing someone can feel like danger, and why guilt or anxiety shows up. The good thing is this can be changed through neuroplasticity. When you practice saying no, your brain builds new neural pathways through repeated behavior. A few small nos may not feel like much at first, but they add up over time and change how your nervous system responds.

Pro Tip: Pay attention to your gut, it really is a signal worth listening to. The gut has about 500 million neurons, which is why it’s called the second brain. You can think of it like this: thoughts are the language of the brain, but emotions are the language of the body. So when your chest tightens, your throat constricts, or you feel that sinking in your stomach right before saying yes, your body is telling you the truth before your head has had time to catch up.

If you still struggle with saying no. Here’s the process I use, and teach my clients, when saying no still feels awkward: 

Notice what happens in your body before you say yes. What does your gut tell you? If you get that sinking feeling, that’s not random, it’s your body telling you the answer. Awareness is the first, most powerful step in signalling whether you feel drained or energized by a request. 

You don’t owe anyone an immediate yes. Try saying, "Let me check and get back to you," or "I’ll get back to you tomorrow." Pausing moves the decision away from a fear-driven response in your amygdala, towards a rational choice by your prefrontal cortex. Use the pause to create space for yourself. 

Boundaries are not vague, they are specific and direct. Instead of saying "I’ll try," say "I’m not available after 7pm today." If you’re at work you can say, "I don’t have the bandwidth to take this on right now." When you don’t overexplain yourself, you leave less room for guilt tripping or manipulation because you are clear and firm with your response. 

Start with low stakes situations, like declining an invitation you don’t want to attend. Example, "Thanks for the invite, I’m going to pass this time." These small reps train your brain neurally, eventually making the bigger nos easier. 

Your value is not defined by how much you agree with others. It is defined by your integrity, your priorities, and your goals. Every no rooted in self respect is really a yes to parts of your own life that matter the most.

At Work: "Thanks for thinking of me, I can’t take this on right now." 

To a Friend: "I love you, but I’m going to pass on this." 

With Family: "I’m not available then, can we find another time?" 

All these responses are clear and can help to protect your time and keep the conversation calm.

When you consistently choose yourself, you will see shifts both in yourself and in others. So don’t be surprised. When you start saying no, some relationships will adapt and become healthier, because now they know what you need. Others will show their true colors and push back or disappear. It might sting at first but it’s normal.

If someone is only used to you always agreeing, they may test the new boundary. That friction is useful because it reveals who respects your boundaries and who expects you to be a doormat. And if certain relationships fade, that’s okay, it clears space for people who actually match your values. Instead of thinking of it like rejection or loss, think of it like pruning, where setting boundaries filter for mutual respect. 

So the next time your gut nudges you to say no, pause and give yourself space to decide. Saying no without guilt is a practice, not a one time fix. Each time you choose yourself, you rebuild your agency, protect your time, and strengthen your self worth. Just remember that boundaries are not walls to keep people out, they are bridges that bring you back to your priorities, your goals, and to a truer version of you.

Dexter