Have you ever stopped to think about how you speak to yourself? What are the keywords that come to your mind? 

Have you ever caught yourself saying things like “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never figure this out”? Many of us hold these negative thoughts, and sometimes we don’t even realize it’s happening because we’ve made it our default setting. But the important thing to notice is how these thoughts influence our confidence, decisions, and relationships because it is a deeper reflection of how we see ourselves. 

Your self-image is the mental picture you hold of yourself. It’s the impression you have about yourself, which could include your abilities, physical appearance, personality, and much more. Your self-image is built over time through your experiences, beliefs, and that inner voice you hear every day. But here's the rub, if that voice is filled with negativity, it can radiate out into every area of your life including the treatment you’re willing to accept from others, and the standards you hold for yourself.

Now on any given day, we have multiple repeating thoughts that we say to ourselves. It’s like having a song stuck in your head on repeat. But what if that song you play in your mind is a bad one? Do you let it just continue, or do you proactively choose to change the song? 

This is the gravity of self-talk. Self-talk is exactly what it sounds like. It’s the running commentary in your mind that can either be positive or negative. Positive self-talk is encouraging and uplifting, while negative self-talk is overly self-critical and defeating. The question is asking yourself what you’d prefer to be playing in the background of your mind. 

A little self-criticism can be healthy if it’s reflective and constructive. This type of self-talk would sound like: “I didn’t handle that conversation well. Next time, I’ll try this approach.” 

But if self-criticism turns into a constant barrage of inner bullying, it becomes a hindrance that robs you of your own peace. Saying things like, “Why do I always mess up?” or “I’m such a failure,” drags you down, instead of pushing you forward. 

The key is realizing that you don’t have to live at the mercy of that inner critic. You can overcome negative self-talk using self-awareness:

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself because it sets the tone for the types of people you attract into your life. Whether these relationships are personal, professional, or romantic, they are a reflection of how you feel about and treat yourself.

For example, people with low self-worth often accept less than they deserve in relationships. They may tolerate poor treatment because deep down, they don’t believe they’re worthy of better. On the other hand, people who nurture a healthy self-image set higher standards, not out of arrogance, but out of respect for themselves.

When you start speaking to yourself with empathy and encouragement, you’ll notice a shift. This shift comes from nurturing a deep sense of self-love (the beautiful relationship you’ve developed with yourself). And what this will do is make you feel more confident, more resilient, and more grounded in your relationships. 

Sincerely, 

Dexter Lam